To the tune of Yusuf Islam's "Moonshadow"

Oh, Tada's being followed by a car-bomber, al-Queda car-bomber
Runnin and hidin from a car-bomber, loony-Sunni car-bomber

And if he ever lose his head, lose his beard, wind up dead
Oh if he ever lose his head,
They'll be hell to pay for sure

Role-playing

I said bend over and call me "Brian Seacast," bitch.

Hypocritical

Those some nappy-bearded Jews!

Magically Real

Summon Fungus of the Sweet and Sour Crocus.
I cast my 'Sanjaya Malakar.'
Give Muqtada another spore counter.

Idolatry

FROM: THE OFFICES OF THE CULTURAL WARFARE DIVISION

TO: SLEEPER AGENT MALAKAR

COMMUNIQUÉ FOLLOWS:

THE TIME IS RIPE: YOU REALLY GOT THEM.

THE WHITE TWEEN CRIES LIKE A DOVE UNDER PURPLE RAINS.

BARE SKIN DURING THE NEXT SONG—SHOW INFIDELS THE HYPNOTIC, SPINDLY ARMS OF SHIVA.

THE FIRST SHALL BE LAST; THE BEST, WORST.

PEACE BE UPON YOU AND SHYAMALI.

END TRANSMISSION.

A Warning

Beware the Ides of March...

Flesh-eaters

New tactic: send flesh-eating bacteria to destroy the voices of America's rock singers.

Surging

The surge comes, and so Ju-Ju and I go into hiding. Times are tough and accusations fly like explosively formed projectiles given by Iranian brothers. I study my English texts and try to learn, know which way the wind blows...

Dream Diary:

Ju-Ju and I are in Tijuana bar. Nouri the camel performs on stage with mother, peace be upon her. I do shots of tequila with Ju-Ju. Instead of salt there is saltpeter. No lime so we squeeze tangy camel juice. I wake sweating- what does it mean?

Seeeecrets

In late 1980's Iranians developed first ass-to-mouth transplant. You guess, I was first successful volunteer. Even got them to throw in butt-hair- fine beard! Many years without flouride provided calcium kernels that line my pink rim. Unfortunately, my new mouth smelled of shit.

Confession

After donkey Ju-Ju's weekly exam, it is my turn. Doctor says we need more starch in our diets. I keep tots in my turban to eat throughout the day. My favorite are Ora Ides from Idaho, USA. I love them so much. Ju-Ju doesn't know- He-He!

'Tada Take the Wheel

Dear Diary:

My Idol Audition

I will be singing the Shia rendition
of Carrie Underwood's "Jesus Take the Wheel."

'Tada takes the wheel,
Takes it from your hands,
Jihad on the Sun-ni lands...
Cutting off their heads
Is my master plan...